"E92M3" (E46M3)
06/17/2018 at 18:33 • Filed to: None | 10 | 30 |
It’s a sad fathers day, normally I detail his car for him. But this time it’s to prepare it to be sold, as he won’t be driving anymore. He was put in hospice last week.
Anyone in or around Atlanta want a clean panther?
Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo
> E92M3
06/17/2018 at 18:45 | 0 |
Sorry, man.
Steve in Manhattan
> E92M3
06/17/2018 at 18:47 | 11 |
Late in March my mom made the decision to go off dialysis - she’d been on twice as long as anyone her age (85) and had no quality of life left. She decided to go on her own terms. So 11 days after her last dialysis treatment, she died, on April 15th. Medicare paid for hospice care in her home, and they were great.
You can do a few things: a friend told me to assure her that I was OK - we’d bought our apartment, work was plentiful, and my relationship was great. She heard me. Best piece of advice I’d ever received, because parents want to know their kids are doing well.
You have tough times ahead, but you can make sure he knows what he did that made you you.
She got one of her final meals by request - fried matzoh. A few days before she died: her eyes were bright, and she was smiling. And she got to see all 3 of her grandchildren in her final week.
If you need to talk, just email me: steve.reiness@gmail.com.
vondon302
> E92M3
06/17/2018 at 19:03 | 0 |
I’m sorry.
Lost my Dad 9 years ago. Still stings
E92M3
> Steve in Manhattan
06/17/2018 at 19:19 | 2 |
Thanks Steve! He quit eating a few days ago. He’ll eat a few bites if my sister is there, I think mostly to appease her. But he won’t survive long on 100 calories a day. I’ve been thinking about having that conversation with him. To let him know that we’ll be ok, and I’ll look out for my sisters. If he wants to go, I understand. His quality of life is shit. Can’t even get out of bed, wearing a diaper and a catheter. I hate watching him starve to death, and wish he could just go peacefully in his sleep.
Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo
> Steve in Manhattan
06/17/2018 at 19:26 | 1 |
That’s a nice message. My dad was recently diagnosed with Parkinson’s and I’m going back to see him again on Wednesday morning. He still has 95% of his marbles, so I am enjoying the time. He has gotten very sweet. His wife, my stepmom, and I, are going to go look at one or two places, and hear a pitch for another, for when they eventually retrench. I am enjoying building that relationship as well. Death is not an end, but a beginning...
Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo
> E92M3
06/17/2018 at 19:27 | 0 |
Thanks for the post. Best to you and yours.
fintail
> E92M3
06/17/2018 at 19:36 | 1 |
I hope there’s as little pain and suffering as possible for the both of you. My grandpa ended up this way, and it wasn’t pretty - dementia did him in. My dad passed several years ago, and it was sudden - too young (70), but I think the way he would have wanted to go, not in a bed for months or years.
And man, those steeply banked driveways, wow.
Steve in Manhattan
> E92M3
06/17/2018 at 19:36 | 0 |
It’s hard to watch, I know. Came back in NYC after saying what I thought was goodbye, but then my sister said come back. She probably did not know we were there, but sister and her husband and I were there at the end. It’s all you can do for them. Get the people in front of them that they’d want to see. We held her hand until the end - it’s what you do.
CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever
> E92M3
06/17/2018 at 19:41 | 0 |
If you need to chat, let me know.
Steve in Manhattan
> Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo
06/17/2018 at 19:42 | 1 |
Maybe do a podcast-type interview that you record, like Chris Hardwick (I know, I know ...) did with his dad. His dad was gone months later, but it was astonishing to hear a parent talk about their lives when they were teenagers, growing up, starting out. Get it in the can now. We had an 8mm film of mom’s wedding that no one knew existed converted and uploaded in the weeks before she died, and SHE GOT TO SEE IT. It made the end easier for her, she said as much.
Just get things in front of him that make him happy.
Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo
> Steve in Manhattan
06/17/2018 at 19:45 | 0 |
All good advice.
Steve in Manhattan
> Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo
06/17/2018 at 19:50 | 0 |
My sister was much further along than I was, but some of it is common sense. And there was a lot of crying - she had every single thing (including receipts for the graves from 1957) we needed to bury her, she had every birthday, anniversary, Mother’s Day card we’d ever sent, my postcards to them from camp. She had the HUD1 (before there was one) from a house they bought in 1956. The house they bought in 1965? Paid off in late 1970. Wow ...
WilliamsSW
> E92M3
06/17/2018 at 19:53 | 0 |
So sorry to hear that he’s going through that. Very tough times for you and your family.
Best wishes to all of you in these difficult days. Spend as much time as you can with him, remembering all of the good things. Those memories are worth more than anything, and hopefully you can still create some more with him.
Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo
> Steve in Manhattan
06/17/2018 at 19:55 | 0 |
They’ve been cleaning out the house. In doing so, they got rid of my vinyl records.
I called you and asked you about those
, said my mom. “No, you did
not
,” said I. I had some Japanese audiophile pressings and a recording of the regional chorus program from the 8th grade. Oh well.
Spridget
> E92M3
06/17/2018 at 20:01 | 1 |
I’m sorry, man. That sounds like a terrible father’s day; hopefully you and your dad can share some of the time left together.
Steve in Manhattan
> Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo
06/17/2018 at 20:01 | 0 |
You may have to haunt yard sales for a year or two so you can buy your own things back ...
Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo
> Steve in Manhattan
06/17/2018 at 20:02 | 0 |
Don’t have the energy. It kind of demonstrates how detached they’ve been from me and my life so far, but Dad’s diagnosis — and his retirement — have done much to modify that trajectory.
Steve in Manhattan
> Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo
06/17/2018 at 20:11 | 0 |
My sister was 20 minutes from my mom, and I was here, 235 miles away. That weighed on our relationship because everything (with few exceptions) fell on my sister. We’ve been working on that ever since mom died. And, as I have always said, if my sister gets everything, and I get what they used to call carfare, it’s still too much. At least mom made sure I got the blanket her mom knitted that I lent her 25 years ago ....
Steve in Manhattan
> Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo
06/17/2018 at 21:02 | 0 |
The same goes for you - if you want to talk about it, just email, and we can talk: steve.reiness@gmail.com
E92M3
> fintail
06/17/2018 at 21:04 | 2 |
Thanks. I used to think it would be better to have that warning your family member was dying. Gives family time to prepare, say goodbye, time to settle their affairs. Instead of the sudden shock. But damn it’s tough to watch someone wither away.
merged-5876237249235911857-hrw8uc
> E92M3
06/17/2018 at 21:31 | 2 |
It’s no fun either way, but the sudden loss is not a bad way to go. The wasting away is the worst. But hospice folks are awesome. Truly some great folks to have around at such a rough time.
I lost my dad to cancer 4 years back. He made it to 60, but not 61. I miss him a lot. I wish you the best on this tough time. Don’t feel too bad if it doesn’t sink in right away either. Took me a year to really come to terms with the loss. I wrote up a pseudo eulogy after the year and gave it to my sister to post on the anniversary of his passing. It was very cathartic.
You’ll always have him with you though.
E92M3
> Spridget
06/17/2018 at 21:57 | 0 |
I went to see him afterwards. He’s bedriden at this point, and was asleep almost the whole time I was there. But I hope just being there brought some comfort to him.
wafflesnfalafel
> E92M3
06/17/2018 at 22:01 | 0 |
my dad would be happy knowing his car looked good
SirDrivesAlot (now with hybrid powerrrr)
> E92M3
06/17/2018 at 22:20 | 1 |
Many feels to you- my Dad went in hospice care several years ago so I know where you are at. This may sound weird, but I hope his time in hospice goes smoothly. My Dad had several crises in the time he spent in hospice care to the point where we swore he was made out of rubber- he’d fall into a crisis and then he would bounce back again. The next to last crisis (before his final one) was a couple of days after his first great grandchild was born- but they lived a few states away so no chance to bring him over to see great grand dad. I was able to bring him a photo and he held onto that thing while going in and out of consciousness like it was the most precious thing in the word. (which for him I guess it was) . Keep visiting him during this time- even if he does know you are there- he does, and it will help you in the years to come. Best wishes for you and your family.
Spridget
> E92M3
06/17/2018 at 22:49 | 0 |
I’m sure it did; you were there for him when he needed you. That means a something.
E92M3
> SirDrivesAlot (now with hybrid powerrrr)
06/17/2018 at 23:03 | 0 |
Aww man. Sorry you had to go thru it too. In a way their heart becomes so pure near the end. I’m glad he had a happy thought/achievement on his way out.
My dad thinks everyone is taking such great care of him. My sister from out of state already came and went, but he says “the doctors put her to work and are keeping her busy downstairs”. I don’t have the heart to tell him the truth (shes not a nice person). I’ll let him have his happy thoughts...One of my cousins had a baby a couple weeks ago, and he asks about it all the time.
SirDrivesAlot (now with hybrid powerrrr)
> E92M3
06/17/2018 at 23:17 | 1 |
We were hoping he would last another month or so, so that my nephew and his wife could bring the newest addition to the family to see our family patriarch—- not to be. ( they have 3 kids now..) He did go the way he wanted to - at home, in his easy chair with his favourite dog at his side. Just realized it will be 8 years this Dec. Seems like yesterday- seems like forever....
shop-teacher
> E92M3
06/17/2018 at 23:18 | 1 |
I’m very sorry to hear about that. It’s such a tough thing to go through. I lost my mom six years ago now, and I’m tearing up just thinking about her now. It does get easier with time though. My best to you, and to your dad. I hope it’s as peaceful and painless as possible for him.
E92M3
> shop-teacher
06/19/2018 at 12:50 | 0 |
Thanks man. I’m sorry I brought back the bad memories for so many on here. It’s something most of us will experience unfortunately. On the brightside he made it to 76, and I’ve had him as a father for 38 years now. That’s more time than a lot of people get.
shop-teacher
> E92M3
06/19/2018 at 13:41 | 1 |
Honestly, it feels good to feel the feelings sometimes. I’m glad to have made it far enough away from the loss to not think about it all the time, but it’s healthy to think about it sometimes.
The same train of thought you’re on, was the biggest way that I got through it. I was 30 at the time, I’ll be 37 in a few days, and as much as that didn’t feel long enough to have my mom... a few months earlier I had a student, a 6th grader, who had gone through a much more tragic set of losses at his young age than I ever had or have. It was a good reminder that we all have to be thankful for what we get, and focus on the good things.
I read your comment about wondering whether it was best to know it was coming, or to have it happen suddenly. That’s something I’ve wondered about ever since. We lost my mom quite suddenly. We knew she wasn’t well, but didn’t know the end was near, and then she was suddenly gone. There was a small bit of unfinished business between us, that I will always regret. Nothing bad, it was a happy thing I wish I would have told her, but I didn’t because I had thought of a clever way to tell her. Well, that clever way was four days too late.
About six month later, my bast friend’s mom passed away after a long decline. I honestly don’t know which was worse. To experience the protracted pain and sadness, but have the ability to achieve some finality and closure, or to have it all over in a week that felt like a dozen minutes.
I know this for sure, they both sucked!